There’s been a lot of talk on social media pages devoted to neurodivergent individuals about being told that you’re “too much”, which is something that often happens for those who eventually end up diagnosed as neurodivergent. It especially affects those of us with AuDHD (Autism + ADHD). The problem is for a lot of people, myself included, the years of being told you were “too much” happen well before the actual diagnosis, and so you learn to hide, to be less than your real, authentic self. You try to take up less space and this has profound effects.
The price of being told you’re “too much” is you live your life thinking you’re “not enough”.
This week for body theology I’m going to get really vulnerable and really raw. Because I know I’m not alone, and I know that while it’s easy to tell yourself that you’re not “too much” or that you ARE enough, the truth is, getting this message reinforced even unintentionally by the people around you sucks. And it’s something that occurs in large part due to neurotypical, cultural norms and has absolutely nothing to do with you, except that your brain processes things differently and there are those who can’t handle it. But that’s their problem, not yours.
In a real world example, as an an entrepreneur, this often means being afraid to be visible or put yourself out there. It shows up in Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and pre-rejecting yourself so that you don’t have to experience it from others. It means wondering if anyone would even want what you’re offering, because you’ve been told for so long that what you offer and what you do is “too much”. It means I spend way too long playing games on my tablet (My favorites right now are Meowdoku, which is like sudoku with cats, and a Screw color match game. Both of which make my autistic pattern matching very happy and the rapid levels make the ADHD happy.)
But stepping away from the game (and the flight behavior), the question needs to be asked: “too much” for whom?
Let’s break that down. What do they mean by “too much”? This phrase is often used as a code word for the person being unable to say “I cannot support you in the way you need right now” and unable to take responsibility for that fact. When an autistic person is overwhelmed, then yes, sensory overwhelm can be too much, but that is an identifiable object (or group of them) such as the lights being too bright or the overhead music and ambient noise being too loud. I’m not talking about that, because that’s something that is identifiable, not a person’s whole existence, and adjustable. (Turning off the lights, dimming them, wearing sunglasses, wearing ear protectors, etc.)
When someone (usually a neurotypical individual) says YOU are too much, they are specifically saying the person simply existing is too much. They are unable to take responsibility for their inability or lack of desire to support or even simply be with the person. There is a difference between saying “I’m overstimulated right now and can’t handle this conversation or need to be alone to regulate.” and blaming the other person for that fact. And sometimes needs conflict. You can both be overstimulated and need alone time AND the person you’re with can also need the conversation or to be with you. If you both state your needs, then there’s a good chance a compromise can be found. “Give me twenty minutes to decompress and then I’ll game with you.” as an example.
There’s a difference between clear conversation and stating your needs and simply being told that you’re “too much”. The price for the later is feeling like you’re “not enough”.
Just as we ask “too much” for whom we need to ask “not enough” for whom, and the answer is always the same. It’s never ourselves. And it’s always someone else holding the goal posts and moving them at a whim.
It’s important to call this out. It’s important to make sure this is stated plainly because there are too many people out there who are seeking to help neurodivergent people by making their lives easier and they’re peddling masking; they’re peddling inauthenticity; they’re peddling understanding yourself so you can conform to society.
I follow the wild path. I follow the path of the wilderness that exists and won’t tame itself for humanity’s convenience. As long as I’m true to my core values, which include kindness, creativity, exploration, and supporting others, then I am not too much.
The question should be: If I am just doing my own thing and following my own interests and sharing some pieces of my life without hurting other people, then shouldn’t you reflect on why I’m “too much” for you?
It’s a hard lesson to remember. It’s an even harder lesson to keep in mind when the world continues to tell you that you’re “too much”. Which is why it’s vital to look at the stories in our lives, and “too much” is one of those stories, to learn to journey with the grief in those stories, and to ensure that we’re not carrying them forward when they no longer serve us.
That’s the power of Wild Spirit Storytelling. It can help you understand the true cost of being “not enough” and help you no longer have to pay it anymore.
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