Horses Teach Us Forgiveness

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The fly mask sat on the table next to the door in my office, ready to go out for one of the older mares who I noticed was having a lot of trouble with flies around her eyes. It’s been a crazy week with a cat emergency, which luckily turned out to be not that bad, a few appointments, and trying to juggle various things. This afternoon I took the lead rope, just in case I needed to keep her close, some treats, and the fly mask out, and within five minutes she had it on. Though I’m sure she wondered just what the heck I was doing to her (though she is one of the few horses that can keep a fly mask on), she got plenty of treats, now had her fly mask, and all was well.

Senior heart mare who was eating her lunch looked for treats, found none, and went back to eating. Likewise, her daughter who is always available for treats, stuck out her nose, then went back to waiting for her mom. No one seemed upset that I hadn’t brought treats (I’ll bring some when I go to open gates here in about half an hour), and no one held a grudge. Treats today? Nope, not today. Okay, maybe tomorrow.

If only we could forgive so easily. For many in the neurodivergent community, we also live with rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), where not only do we feel the sting of rejection, of being left out of the treat dispensing, more acutely than others, but also, we see personal rejection where there was one and are quick to take steps to avoid rejection, even if the possibility is remote. Now, let me be clear. As with so many things, I’m not saying we need to immediately change how we think about things and our RSD will go away, but as someone who deals with it on a regular basis, I have learned from the horses.

Although horses live in the moment and we do not, I have found that mindfulness and being present can help. And most of all, I’ve learned from the horses to forgive myself when the RSD comes to the fore. I stopped grousing about my “stupid anxiety” or talked about my “crazy ass mind’. Instead, I acknowledge that this how my mind is, just as a horse deals with a sunny day or a stormy day, and I practice radical acceptance.

Though we don’t know the inner worlds of horses, I imagine that they practice radical acceptance too. If it’s thunderstorming, they run into the shelter and wait it out. If it’s hot, they stick close to shade and the water troughs. When the weather’s nice, they take advantage of it and go out into the pasture to graze.

This radical acceptance leads to forgiveness. Not of everything. But of the little things and of ourselves. And that, is the highest wisdom of all–learning to forgive ourselves.