CW: This blog post will talk about anticipating euthanasia. As of this writing, the mare is still with us, but I am expecting her passing before the end of the month.
Note: There may not be a blogcast/audio for this post because I’m not sure I can read through it without breaking down. However as a grief specialist as well as someone who works with horse wisdom and wild spirit wisdom, I wanted to be transparent about this current phase of our lives. If you are facing an impending loss, I hope this helps you too.
In spite of the torturous heat, my schedule is pretty set these days. Get up in the morning, close the gates, make sure the senior mare and her “filly” (age 12) is in the small pen with her, give hay, give breakfast. An hour later I open the gates. At noon I do the same thing, only this time senior mare gets her lunch. Then, in the evening, it’s feeding time again. In between senior mare gets her arthritis medicine and a lot of treats.
Her body is failing her. Knees that weren’t correctly aligned from birth are now large. her one leg is bent out, bowed out due to bad confirmation and she has arthritis in a hind leg she caught in a fence about ten or so years ago. She’s 27. Considering I bought her for $100 as a not-yet-weaned foal that was a surprise to a mare who came from the auction lot, it’s amazing she’s been a part of my life for so long. But I know that time is coming to an end.
I need to make the decision that every caretaker dreads, the one that’s made out of love and a desire to not see an animal in pain, and yet one that breaks our hearts. It’s the right decision. It’s a good decision. And right now I’m trying to schedule it around about four other big life things, and so every day I go out to the pasture, give her gentle pats and kisses. Offer treats and wonder what she thinks about all of this. After all, this is my horse wisdom column after all.
I think she knows she’s tired and old. She knows she’s lived a long life and not as fast as she was. But I don’t think she obsesses about it, not like humans do. She lives each day one at a time, takes each day as it comes. We don’t know what animals think for sure, and it would be very human-centric of us to assume that they don’t think about the future the way humans do. I just believe they may do so on a different scale. No doubt my mare knows her time is shorter on the front end than what has passed behind her, but she is still determined to make the most out of every day, to get as many treats as possible and enjoy those special mash lunches. Just as I’m determined to give her as much attention as I can while I still can.
What animals teach us about the future is that it isn’t something to be worried over or feared. It is, as the reiki precepts say “just for today I will not worry” and I will be cared for and loved to the fullest extent of my being. Tomorrow will hopefully bring more of the same.
