When Listening to Your Body Hurts

Whether it’s doing work with a therapist or trying to recover from burnout, one of the questions that’s asked in a myriad of forms is how does your body feel. What is your body telling you? Where does that reside in your body? The question is often asked with the intention that a simple peek inward can reveal all of the answers to your problems like a flower opening to catch the sunlight. And yet, there are times when looking into your body, when checking in with yourself, hurts.

Remembering The Past

Looking inward isn’t just seeing where something hurts (for example a tightness in your chest or stomach pain) and thinking about where and how that pain is manifesting and what it brings with it. It’s also finding parts of yourself, such as a younger version of yourself, and they often hold onto traumatic memories and experiences. When we discover them inside of ourselves (our psyches or our bodies) we’re often brought back to those experiences and that pain.

It can be disregulating when this happens. And it’s important that we recognize when it happens, so that we can tell ourselves that we are no longer in that situation. That the pain has passed, and more importantly that the older, wiser, version of yourself will take care of that younger part. You will stand with it, supporting it, and protect it from harm.

Of course I must acknowledge that this is easier written about than done. It takes a lot of time and work to not just recognize the younger or hurt version of yourself, but also to be willing to sit with it, to protect it, and to begin to show it that it’s safe. And it is a very valid concern that you might have about not wanting to look inward, because those memories might resurface. It’s important to do this work in a space where you do feel safe with someone you trust, someone who understands and validates your lived experience.

The Grief

At some point, especially if you’re a late diagnosed neurodivergent person, when the pieces fall into place you’re going to find grief. There’s the grief of why it took so long for you to make the discoveries about yourself that would lead to an improvement in your life and better understanding. There’s the grief that something was different and has now changed, and you’re not sure how to get it back.

This grief lives in the body. It’s formed into each cell as they renew, crafted into sinew and bone, and it often lives undetected. A lot of it is tied into being a neurodivergent individual in a society that’s not built for us, one that has cut us off from our wild nature, from the fundamental way we have of being.

The only way to learn to live with grief is to become its companion, its friend, and to move through the grief. It’s like yoga is a way to know the body through the body. (The Bhagavad Gita). The only way to know grief is to move through grief and to understand it, and yet, no two journeys with grief are alike.

Don’t be afraid or hold back

I would encourage you not to be afraid or hold back from looking inward, even though it could be painful. Instead, go slowly. Microdose the experience, if you prefer the terminology. Keep a journal or other log of what you experience, and most of all, know that you are not alone in this. You are cared for. And you can have someone who walks beside you in this journey.